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The Flying Kangaroo, Qantas, has always had an ‘interesting’ labour relations scene. If it’s not the hosties throwing their toys around and threatening strikes, it’s the ground crew who refuse to unload baggage.

Only this month, dear Aunt Pam was manhandled in her wheel chair by an unsympathetic ground staff operator, opening and closing doors, bumping her through and then nearly allowing her to miss her plane. All very traumatic.

It appears that the relationship between pilots and ground/maintenance engineers is also different. Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft..

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Without calling the monkey, Qantas is the only airline never to have had a major accident.

Here’s some repartee between them: (P=pilot; S=service personnel)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last………………

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[thanks John]

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